Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

One of the hardest things to do in life is learn the lesson of, internalize, and implement acceptance.  Have you actually sat and thought about what the term acceptance means?  If you over think it, which I tend to do, it seems very abstract and undefinable.  We can take the dictionary definition and say that it can be defined as: the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered (taking); that action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group (belonging); agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation (belief in); and, willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation (tolerance).  The definition that first comes to mind is dependent on the circumstances in which we learned the term.  If you were an individual who was self-described as an outcast and looking for that group of people who you just clicked with you probably associate acceptance with belonging.  Some individuals who are strong in their faith believe wholeheartedly that his or her higher power is in control of his or her destiny, a.k.a. acceptance is synonymous with a belief in something.

However, when I usually talk about acceptance, I am usually referring to something negative in which I am forced to overcome and "deal" with.  I see acceptance in these terms because it has been something I have struggled with and continuously work on in order to improve (I know, I know, shocking that I was actually "accepted" into a peer group growing up, right? Ha...).  Typically that "something" that I have to deal with is something that I don't necessarily want to happen or something that I can't control.  I have a hard time accepting intolerance, rudeness, hate, closed-mindedness, criticism, rejection (in both love and life)... the list goes on...  So, what are we supposed to do when this awful "something" happens? Well, I have found that we can do one of two things.  We can try to fight against the inevitable (because it'll happen regardless) or we can accept that this particular occurrence, situation, or happening is beyond our control and keep moving forward.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for fighting until I can't fight any more; especially when it involves something that I am passionate about.  People, myself included, don't want to be seen as letting something go or accepting an alternative when they fight so hard to establish, believe, or love something.  Acceptance seems inevitably out of the question.  However, the lack of acceptance or the ability to accept can lead you to places that you don't necessarily want to be.  We don't live in a vacuum, our lack of acceptance will also affect others.  For example, in a previous relationship, I developed characteristics that I wasn't too fond of because I couldn't accept the fact that the man I was with wasn't particularly accepting of alternative solutions, theories, or outlooks.  I became extremely bullheaded and would never back down from an argument or debate.  I stopped listening to his side of things before an argument or discussion even began because I got the impression, and  I assumed, that he would never sway in his beliefs or outlook; that he would never try to view things from my perspective.  The majority of the time, this was the case.

All that aside, there comes a time and place where we are supposed to learn acceptance.  Where and when we learn is vastly different and is somewhat dependent on the environment in which we grew up.  I was lucky enough to have grown up in a home that took pride in accepting the differences in others, a value that I have internalized to this day.  However, that same home did not necessarily teach me how to accept intolerance, rudeness, hate, closed-mindedness, criticism, rejection, etc because that was something that my parents couldn't teach me.  To learn acceptance in those terms, I had to be exposed to them.  I wasn't exposed to those at home and the people I surrounded myself with growing up were good-natured individuals (Go ahead, friends, give yourselves a pat on the back... You rock!).  When I finally was exposed, sometime around college, I did not know how to cope... or accept... I am happy to say that the things like intolerance, rudeness, hate, and closed-mindedness were easily coped and accepted with; repeated the mantra, "To each his own."  Criticism and rejection were another story.  Hell, if I am going to be completely honest, I still struggle with them today.

Rejection, that's something I don't even know how to begin to cope or accept it except by using positive affirmations.  Who likes getting rejected?  Who really finds rejection easy to cope or accept?  Show me the person who does and I'll be glad to take notes at the seminar he or she is obviously needing to present to the society at large.  Criticism is something I still struggle with, but I have learned to cope and accept it for what it is.  I have changed my perspective, seeing criticism as mostly constructive (there are times and individuals who will criticize for the sake of criticizing because they like to complain, but I am not touching on this side).  Does that mean that I don't get disappointed when I hear constructive criticism? No, but I try my best to listen and improve upon what is needing the improvement for the betterment of the community.

This being said, it still shocks the hell out of me when individuals much older than myself still struggle with accepting constructive criticism.  While working at the prison, there are many clients who don't handle criticism, of any sort, well.  I attribute this to the fact  that they have not yet learned to accept things, let alone criticism.  That's where I come in.  I try to give the clients the tools in order to help them learn to accept things that they cannot change, frequently quoting parts of the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may reasonably happy with Him forever in the next.  Granted, while in group therapy it's not as scripture-like, but the message is the same.  It is also helpful because many of the clients also attend various 12 Step Programs like AA and NA which rely on portions of the prayer as well.  So the consistency and repetition is beneficial to their treatment and their future lifestyles of recovery.

Now, when you think about the fact that we counselors have to teach the guys not just about the importance of acceptance in their lives and their recovery, but how to accept things, it is essentially required that we practice acceptance regularly.  Especially while at work--we have to embody that shit.  For some (I am not going to say all... I am not jaded in thinking that I am helping everyone or that everyone in prison is there for treatment), we are the role models they never had.  Some clients will be watching our moves to see what is appropriate behaviors to mimic and embody.  The appropriate way to handle life and the adversity that comes along with it.  If Ms. G. is going to treat others, clients and staff, with undiscriminating and general disrespect, how can Ms. G. expect the clients to treat others with respect?  If Ms. G. doesn't accept, respect, or value the encounter process (the encounter process is the way some problems are handled in the Therapeutic Community in prison... essentially an elaborate peer mediation, but the member of the community can't give feedback; he just has to listen and think about what is being said about his negative behavior), how can Ms. G. expect the guys to take the encounter process seriously and see it as valid?  If Ms. G. can't handle constructive criticism from a coworker about her negative attitudes and how it affects the clients and her coworkers, how can Ms. G. expect the guys to accept constructive criticism in life? Finally, if Ms. G. only sees the clients as inmates and justifies her negative treatment of them because of that label, how can Ms. G. expect the clients to view themselves differently? How can Ms. G. expect them to change? How can Ms. G. expect them to overcome this adversity and move forward into a new lifestyle of recovery--free from drugs, alcohol, and crime?  I would be a terrible counselor.  I can't expect them to work the treatment program if I am not working, believing in, and embodying the treatment program.

This is just something that irks me about a hypothetical coworker.  Sorry for the rant. Ha.

Anyway, onto something more positive: St. Patrick's Day.

Part of my extensive Virginia family: Megan, Amber, and Vickie 

So in honor of St. Patrick's Day, I cooked corned beef and cabbage, minus the cabbage, plus carrots and spuds.  Officially, for the first time ever... Unofficially, for the second time (the first time I had help from some friends while I was out in Virginia. *Insert shout-out to Amber and Megan here*).   Although I made it in the fancy Crock Pot, I still consider it a win.  As previously noted, I don't cook, so having something turn out delicious and the fact that I am entirely the one responsible for it makes my inner-future-housewife super happy.  Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?  I'll have to beat the men off with a stick now! Watch out, gentlemen, better get in line now while the getting is good... Ha.

9 hours later.... Viola! Sustenance.