In my humble opinion, there is nothing more awkward, more anxiety-inducing, or more infuriating than starting a new relationship... or talking... or dating... or hanging out... or going steady (is it the 1950s?)... or whatever it is being called now-a-days. I have been pondering writing this post for a long time now. It has been sitting in the recesses of my mind, just begging to be written, but, for whatever reason, I couldn't begin to even just sit in front of the computer to type it. Even now, writing this intro, I seem to lack the eloquence required to emphasize the importance of this topic that many (or maybe just me) seem to struggle with.
Growing up, I never really dated or particularly held the interest of the opposite sex. Granted, I was a late bloomer (some would argue that I have recently "come into my own" within the last couple of months and still struggling with "Ugly Duckling Syndrome"), but really, I wasn't too unfortunate looking... I would say I was cute (hey, we all have insecurities about our high school selves)... I was more awkward. Goofy. Smart. I was myself, which seemed to intimidate people. Boys didn't typically like that or they didn't make it known that they liked that. So I was just me and I was content with that. Having always been told that I had an old soul or that I was more mature for my age it's no wonder why I struggled in high school...
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| Sophomore Year (15 years old)... getting it a bit. Outfit looks better... jewelry choice is a step up.. Straight hair obviously beginning to go unruly.. Shine? I also have appeared to discover tweezers... |
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| Freshman Year (14 years old)... So much going on in this picture. Mullet-like hair... Thick Eye Brows... Pukka Shell Necklace... Fakest smile ever... Am I wearing a bra? |
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| Junior Year (16 years old)... Hermione stage... That's all... This is when my hair STARTED to get curly... Aside from that smile (what is that smile... looks like I'm about to sneeze...) not too terrible. |
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| Senior Year (17 years old)... the basis of what I look like today. I would have rethought that section of hair I pulled back, but a good pic overall. |
I didn't get my first kiss until the summer before junior year of high school from a guy that I worked with (but boy, were the details surrounding that first kiss movie-worthy... I'm talking the older, popular jock and me, the nerd-herd mascot... breaking social hierarchy with one awkwardly eager lip-lock. I would have been the young female hero-lead in a teenage drama for sure). After that, there was a boy or two who stole a couple of kisses here and there, but I didn't get my real first boyfriend until I was a senior in high school. I am convinced that the only reason this happened was because he didn't know me/who I was because he went to a different high school... we met at work. It's not that I wasn't well liked at school, but people had already formed their opinions of me (ie. awkward, weird girl) and it's really hard to break or shake those categorizations. Had he known me as long as my classmates had, I don't know if he would've found me as normal, for a lack of a better word... (really, my dorkability even seemed to scare off the most notable poindexters). I can't really say that it was a real learning experience because some of the details escape me, but I did share some important milestones with him that I'll never forget and always appreciate.
I didn't really date in college or graduate school either. To be honest, I was more interested in my future career and trying to get into terminal degree programs.
The "dating" experience that I did have seemed to include characters like a German foreign exchange student who kissed like he was a fish out of water, guys who were more interested in their cars/fraternities/themselves, a guy who called me out on the fact that I couldn't match my clothes to save my life (what... paisley and tie dye go together, right?), and guys who weren't "ready" for a real relationship, but super ready for a more physically driven relationship. So, as it stands, I am a girl who has had two--count them--two--real relationships. As such, it is safe to say that I have gotten most of my "dating" experience and expectations from what I have heard from my more socially adept friends, what I read in books, and what I've seen in movies... let's just say Disney gave me unrealistic expectations of both my hair and relationships...
Due to my history in dating, or lack thereof, I am currently facing a huge, huge, HUGE learning curve. I am currently experiencing and going through things that, as my mom delicately reminds me, the majority of girls experienced and learned while in high school and in college. One could say that I may be a tad relationally jaded. It's a constant battle within myself, continuously analyzing, reanalyzing, and over-analyzing every interaction that I have with a man that I am interested in. I can't help it. I neither choose to do this to myself nor do I wish it upon my worst enemies. My Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) tends to get the better of me in this part of my life because it's the only thing that I can't have direct control over. No amount of deep breathing will control your significant other's actions, words, or thoughts. It's really the only thing in life that you can't even be proactive in... everything is reactive based on the actions of the other individual and their actions are based on your actions/reactions... it's just a weird, exhausting cycle. You see, in order to have a successful relationship, there has to be cooperation between two individuals. When that balance is skewed--the only time that balance can be skewed-- is when someone is trying to deliberately sabotage the relationship. I am used to being in control of my life. Over every aspect of it. This is new to me. I am not afraid or ashamed to admit that. It scares the hell out of me, which is weird considering most people are afraid of commitment. Nay, I am not afraid of commitment... I am more afraid of and hate that phase where you're just starting to get to know/like an individual before a title of boyfriend or girlfriend is given because that's the time where he or she can really change his or her mind as to whether or not they like you. This is the vulnerability state. Essentially you're giving the other individual insight to who you are and allowing them to make a decision to cast you aside or keep you-- making the ultimate decision of whether or not they like who you are... your character... your personality... what you look like... you thoughts, dreams, ambitions, etc... That's what is scary as hell to me, not the idea of sharing a life with someone or having someone to rely on.
One could potentially argue that I am suffering from self-esteem issues. I would have to come clean and say that you're right, but only because I lack the experience or knowledge. Knowledge is power! Additionally, I sometimes still suffer, as mentioned earlier, from what I like to call "The Ugly Duckling Syndrome". In my amateur theory, UDS is something you experience when you were not necessarily appealing to the opposite sex growing up, but now are gorgeous or appealing. You still struggle with feelings of inadequacy because you haven't broken that image you hold of yourself from your "ugly" stage. It's like a weird Operant Conditioning (reinforcement and punishment associated with certain behavioral changes) experiment. For so long we were punished for a particular attribute it will take a minute for us to be reinforced for that same attribute years later (I don't know if that even makes sense, but it makes sense to me... someone should let me know if they understand what I am saying...). Again, I feel like I am pretty, but mostly because other people tell me that I am. I still am/get insecure sometimes and that's ok; that's normal (but admitting to that is unattractive in some circles because confidence is attractive and this is a sign of weakness, which again leads to the punishment idea).
The Thought Catalog has created a very accurate and ingenious list surrounding the nature of dating today. It has completely encapsulated everything I would want and do want to say in relation to the skewed dating scene. (I had to do very little thinking in the creation of this post... just found some pretty amazing gifs and pictures!) In the 18 Ugly Truths About Modern Dating That You Have To Deal With gone are the days of legitimately dating... you know, being picked up, a guy bringing you flowers, holding doors open, going steady, wearing his jacket, and symbolically being given his class ring. Instead, we are given a set of undeniable truths that leave a lot to be desired...
1. The person who care less has all the power. Nobody wants to be the one who's more interested.
Boy, do I have years of anecdotal evidence that supports this claim. Picture it: A girl likes a guy. Guy shows no interest (aka in the position of caring less). Girl gets the hint and moves on (thereby the position of caring less shifts). Guy is in love with the girl. It is one of the sickest jokes in the universe.
2. Because we want to show how cavalier and blase we can be to the other person, little psychological games like 'Intentionally Take Hours Or Days To Text Back' will happen. They aren't fun.
I. Fucking. Hate. These. Games. I don't understand these games. Like I said, I don't have much experience dating and, as a result, don't have much experience playing the stupid mind games. I understand the importance of playing it close to the vest, but I am one of those individuals who lives by the mantra, "A closed mouth doesn't get fed." I will tell a guy how I feel about him. In fact, if I don't, I have this thing that likes to ruin my life called GAD which makes me tell the guy how I feel because I have convinced myself that he's completely oblivious to the obvious signs and signals I am sending. (Side note: this is an awesome depiction of how my GAD works in general and in relationships in The Difference Between Men and Women from Reddit.com...) I might as well be screaming, "I LIKE YOU!" at the top of my lungs while I use flag signals to emphasize my point.
3. A person being carefree because they have zero interest in you looks exactly like a person being carefree because they think you're amazing & are making a conscious effort to play it cool. Good luck deciphering between the two.
4. Making phone calls is a dying art. Chances are, most of your relationship’s communication will happen via text, which is the most detached, impersonal form of interaction. Get familiar with those emoticon options.
I would rather talk on the phone. It gives you the opportunity to hear their voice, inflection, tone, etc. ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE LOST IN A TEXT MESSAGE. Really, if you thought about it, how many fights or hurt feelings could have been avoided had a conversation taken place as opposed to texting one another... you miss the unspoken ques that make communication an art... like sarcasm, laughter, pauses made for emphasis or dramatics. Additionally, I could easily say what I want to say ten times faster than it would be for me to type it out (obvious statement--look how long-winded I am in my blog posts).
5. Set plans are dead. People have options and up-to-the-minute updates on their friends (or other potential romantic interests) whereabouts thanks to texts & social media. If you aren't the top priority, your invitation to spend time will be given a “Maybe” or “I’ll let you know” and the deciding factor(s) will be if that person has offers more fun/interesting than you on the table.
Having been told this line multiple times, when it's put in this perspective my GAD rears its ugly head... This is almost just as bad as watching He's Just Not That Into You when you're contemplating whether or not a guy actually likes you... all you want to do is shoot yourself in an extremity that you hope you don't need to use any time soon... but this is no where near as bad when you come to the realization that the guy you're "dating" only takes you on weekday dates... Why yes, random Tuesdays are the most perfect time to go on a date! Aka... you're good for Tuesday, but you should see Saturday... Saturday's a babe!
6. Someone who hurt you isn't automatically going to have bad karma. At least not in the immediate future. I know it only seems fair, but sometimes people cheat and betray and move on happily while the person they left is in shambles.
7. The only difference between your actions being romantic and creepy is how attractive the other person finds you. That’s it, that’s all.
8. “Let’s chill” & “Wanna hang out?” are vague phrases that likely mean “let’s hookup” — and while you probably hate receiving them, they’re the common way to invite someone to spend time these days, and appear to be here to stay.
Just ask me on a freaking date!
9. Some people just want to hookup and if you’re seeking more than sex, they won’t tell you that they’re the wrong person for you. At least, not until after they score your prize. While human decency is ideal, honesty isn't mandatory.
10. The text message you sent went through. If they didn't respond, it wasn't because of malfunctioning phone carrier services.
They're not responding because they want you to crawl back into the Friendzone from which you tried to escape from...
They're not responding because they want you to crawl back into the Friendzone from which you tried to escape from...
11. So many people are scared of commitment and being official that they’ll remain in a label-free relationship, which blurs lines and only works until it doesn't. I've said it many times before, I’ll say it again – “we’re just talking” is opening the door for cheating that technically wasn't cheating because, hey, you weren't together together.
You know, I can't speak for everyone, but I know that in part my anxiety revolves around the fact that there is no clarification as to what we are, what we are doing, or what the guy's intentions are. I just need a label and everything will be fine. That way I know what my limitations are. So I don't hurt you and, more importantly, so I don't get hurt. Are we dating? Are we exclusive? Are we talking? If so, what the hell does that mean?!
You know, I can't speak for everyone, but I know that in part my anxiety revolves around the fact that there is no clarification as to what we are, what we are doing, or what the guy's intentions are. I just need a label and everything will be fine. That way I know what my limitations are. So I don't hurt you and, more importantly, so I don't get hurt. Are we dating? Are we exclusive? Are we talking? If so, what the hell does that mean?!
12. Social media creates new temptations and opportunities to cheat. The private messaging and options for subtle flirtation (e.g. liking of pictures) aren't an excuse or validation for cheating, but they certainly increase the chances of it happening.
13. Social media can also create the illusion of having options, which leads to people looking at Facebook as an attractive people menu instead of a means of keeping contact with friends & family.
14. You aren't likely to see much of someone’s genuine, unfiltered self until you’re in an actual relationship with him or her. Generally people are scared that sincerely putting themselves out there will result in finding out that they’re too available, too anxious, too nerdy, too nice, too safe, too boring, not funny enough, not pretty enough, not some other person enough to be embraced.
15. Any person you get romantically involved with you’ll either wind up staying with forever or breaking up with them at some point. These are equally terrifying concepts.
You just have to remember, chances are, the other person is fearing the EXACT same thing... we all have baggage and we all have to deal with our past relationships. Our past relationships are the things that have imprinted upon us the expectations, fears, deal-breakers, and outlooks we have on our current and future relationships. We don't live in a vacuum.
16. When dating, instead of expressing how they feel directly to you, a person is more likely to post a Facebook status or Instagram a Tumblr-esque photo of a sunset with a quote or song lyric of someone else’s words on it, and while it may not mention your name, it’s blatantly directed at you.
17. There are plenty of people who’ll have zero respect for your relationship and if they want the person you’re with, they’ll have no qualms with trying to overstep boundaries to get to ‘em. Girl code and guy code are wishful thinking and human code isn't embedded in everyone.
18. If you get dumped, it’s probably going to be pretty brutal. People can cut ties over the phone and avoid seeing the tears stream down your face or end things via text and avoid hearing the pain in your cracking voice and sniffling nose. Send a lengthy text and voilà, relationship over. The easy way out is far from the most considerate.
See Above: I was broken up with in a text message... (#16).
See Above: I was broken up with in a text message... (#16).
But most of all, it taught us this:
But let's be real, this is my love life:
And let's be real, if you haven't already seen this viral video, you should probably just suck it up and watch it because it's freaking amazing. You're welcome.
